Well right now......
I am having a difficult pregnancy. According to my midwives I am perfectly healthy, and I am grateful for that. Truly I am. But compared to the Peanut? This is hell. I am low grade nauseous pretty much constantly. I haven't puked very often, but I could pretty much any second of any day. Just give me a reason. I have to be super careful when I brush my teeth and the pubescent boy musk that my students carry on them is NOT helping. But I would be willing to puke more often if these other two things would go away 1. The nasty "I'm about to puke" taste that is almost always in my mouth and 2. The copious amounts of saliva. Along with the gross symptoms and the exhaustion I am totally beat. And maybe not remembering is God's way of encouraging you to have a second one, but the first pregnancy was NOT this hard.. And this causes me to worry about the following things.
1. Last pregnancy was easy which equaled an easy baby. This time around does hard pregnancy equal super colicky baby? Seems like the only logical explanation to me.
2. What if this isn't the twins? Twin pregnancies are supposed to be harder than singletons. How on earth will I manage through that? For nine months? With two other children......maybe that is why I have been crying for mercy. I cannot even imagine.
3. What if I have been blogging about twins, claiming twins, praying for twins, and they never come. How many years before people think I am crazy......What if the prayer gets answered when I am 50? Peanut could be married and pregnant by then.
4. What if they do come? What if this time is the time? Then I will have 3 under 3, a full time job and a husband in PhD school. That sounds like it is worry worthy if I do say so myself. And I do.
5. Twin birth is not like normal birth, I won't be able to be in the tub, they will want me to deliver right in an operating room, I will most likely have a c-section. I am not happy about any of this.
6. We bought a station wagon off of Craigslist and not a mini-van. What if God sees this as a personal statement of unbelief and doesn't give me twins because I wasn't planning on them? What if I get them and then can't fit all the car seats, and then I can't sell the wagon, and then we have to take two cars everywhere?
7. What if this isn't really a baby? What if I am just having a weird stomach virus?
Okay....I think I'll stop before I embarrass myself further.....welcome to my head.
4 comments:
first of all, I love you, and God loves you even when you're not thinking logically.
I don't think you'll have anything to worry about if you do have to get rid of the wagon. For reals, 20 people called that guy in the first hour after he posted it on craigslist.
this is big stuff. but God is infinitely bigger. He calls each of the stars out by name. He has yours, Christian's, Peanut's, and deuce(s) names written on the palm of His hands. God is faithful even when we are faithless. But all it takes is a mustard seed. I know you've got at least that much faith.
Brooke- again the living water. Just what I needed to hear. Thanks for reminding me of the bigness of God. And thanks for believing in my faith even when I don't.
8. What if God does really Love you even more than I do?
9. What if he dreamed you and me and peanut and two warriors and Christian and colt before he created 1 thing.
10. What if all of the things that have been spoken over you are true?
11. What if you are the 2nd Susanna Wesley. One down two in the oven and 22 to go. Now that is a reason to cry out for God's mercy. I,m just thinking. It would make me one happy Boppa. And your chronic fatigue syndrome would have been great practice.
Dad, # 8, 9 , 10 encouraging, 11 maybe not so encouraging?? just something to think about. =) I love you and Abby and all nieces nephews God has intended!!! Miss you! -Emily
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